Bad Manners Are Closer Than You Think

If you ever break bread with others outside of your immediate family, it is possible you have been offended by others’ table manners, or they have been offended by yours. In the age of eating in the car, while standing up, and on the couch one might argue table manners are obsolete. But this is far from the case. Do you think about your table manners when you eat with others? In restaurants, when we have to share close proximity with other tables, are we aware of how we act affecting those around us?

Let’s face it, eating with someone is an intimate act. And there’s ways to make the act more attractive and less attractive. Which category do you fall in?

Here’s a list of six bad manners that are incredibly common. Do you recognize yourself or your loved ones in this list?

1. Drinking before finishing the bite in one’s mouth.
2. Putting food in or taking the silverware out with the inside curve of the utensil instead of the outside curve (like the picture above).
3. Placing personal items on the table such as keys, cell phone, or purse.
4. Touching your head or face while eating.
5. Talking about your food preferences (likes or dislikes) during the meal.
6. Leaning on the table with your various body parts, including arms, elbows, or chest.

The majority of the above bad manners involve issues of hygiene. After all, imagine accepting the bread basket from the person who just ran their hand through their hair or itched their ear? And most likely, that purse set on the table was just on the car floor.

Other table manners involve how we appear to the ones having to watch us eat. When we wash our food down with our water or chew with our mouth open, it means we are oblivious to the person sitting across from us. Remember, the purpose of etiquette is for the respect of others, showing we are aware of those we are with over ourselves.

Most likely, I am preaching to my choir of regular readers here at Tea Party Girl and you could write this article! However, manners of all kinds are common Internet search terms, because many of us are still in the dark on these matters. The days of debutante training and finishing school are over, and more and more think good manners irrelevant for their circumstances. However, an amazing amount of socializing and business take place away from the home in our society around the table. For this reason alone, good manners are not for girls only!

For further encouragement or instruction on etiquette, especially for the children in your life, there are a number of valuable resources available including:

• 365 Manners Kids Should Know: Games, Activities, and Other Fun Ways to Help Children Learn Etiquette
• The Little Book of Etiquette (Miniature Editions)
• Emily Post’s The Guide to Good Manners for Kids
• A Little Book of Manners for Boys: A Game Plan for Getting Along with Others

Tonight at dinner, be aware of the dynamics around your own table. Were you surprised?

15 comments February 20th, 2008

How Often Do You Set the Table?

Has a set table become a lost art in your home? How far do you take setting the table on a daily basis? If you eat with children or alone, do you not bother?

During January, the number one viewed article on this site was viewed over 900 times. More than anything else, my visitors want to know How to Set the Table for Tea. And this got me thinking. Do we know how to set the table in general? Do we even take the trouble anymore?

There’s a book I sometimes pick up at the library called, The Art of the Table: A Complete Guide to Table Setting, Table Manners, and Tableware. It’s very detailed and includes the history of every item used in Western Civilization to set a table. As I read it, it amazes me how far we’ve come, at least in my circle of middle-class Americans from the days of finger bowls and seafood forks, much less multiple course meals. Sometimes I find myself encouraging others to just try and stop using paper plates.

I have set the table with my basics (I’ll list them out in a minute) since my children were very young. Yes, it was discouraging when they sat at the table for two minutes, and then got up taking the tablecloth with them. And yes, because we use real silver and china, my boys (who were not born in a barn, but do have that testosterone-split brain) can make so much noise clinking and dropping their silverware. No, even my husband does not always put his napkin on his lap or keep his elbows off the table. So why DO I bother?

I bother because preparing a table for the five and us and sometimes others to gather around is one of the daily art forms I can easily practice. And I’ve noticed that each step I add (lighting the candles, choosing a tablecloth, etc.) does increase the pleasure and enjoyment of the guests, even if on many nights its only me.

I did not understand this at twenty-four when I married and “registered” for wedding gifts. Nor did my friends at the time who didn’t purchase from my Macy’s list for the most part. I learned about the art of the table from my mother over the last fifteen years. I watched her appreciate what she inherited from her aunts and slowly gather the glasses, linens, plates, etc., that she loved. And as a woman now in charge of her own home, I greatly appreciated her efforts to dress the table when we went for a visit. Thankfully, I came to appreciate it enough to begin accepting items from my husband’s and my grandmothers’ homes when they passed on.

But it’s a process. I put beautiful teacups worth a pretty penny from my husband’s grandmother in the dishwasher many times before I knew better and of course they cracked. I’m still working on laying out cloth napkins instead of paper (they’re never ironed, you see, because I hate to iron.). And I let my children eat off and load the dishwasher with our wedding pattern that are now discontinued and cost $55 a piece (in other words, should I not do this?). However, most nights at The Wellspring when we gather for dinner I:

• light unscented candles. It is winter, so they’re spread throughout our dining/living room combo.
• use a tablecloth or cloth place-mats.
• turn on some background classical or Celtic music.
• help my six-year old set the table with her great-grandmother’s stainless steel silverware.
• serve the food restaurant-style instead of family style. In other words, even if we’re only having tacos, they’re assembled in the kitchen, no one is passing around the Cost-co size vat of sour cream to each other.

So how about you? How often do you set the table in your home? Do you think it’s even necessary? What are your basics for a set table? Please feel free to share your comments below.

21 comments January 31st, 2008