When I Relax, I Feel Guilty
I think this was a title of a book on my family’s bookshelf in the 1970s.
The calendar overflowed in April, May, and June. I met deadline after deadline, hauled child after child, and organized event after event. I’ll even admit to guzzling and not sipping my tea more often than not.
In my heart of hearts, I don’t buy the belief that we’re all so busy. I think we’ve been given the same amount of time by our Creator. And I believe many of us, especially in affluent America, own more choice about how we spend our time than we often give ourselves credit for. But like the dizzying choices we’re given just picking out our toothpaste, weighing all the options available intertwined with our value systems and fears often mean life can easily start to feel beyond our control.
In my early 20s, years went by before I started to examine all that was pulling me along. Back then I remember sincerely wishing I would get really sick so I could just stop and rest. Now I can only last weeks before I have to stop and as I call it, “find my center”. I must live and make choices out of who I believe I am and called to be, not who I wish I was.
Traditionally, fall and spring are my busy seasons, and summer and winter allow for a slower pace-if I allow for it. A recent check of my calendar for July revealed six multiple overnight trips between the three children, five day field trips, three different parties, two multiple days with workmen in home projects, and one homeschooling conference out-of-town. Are you kidding me?! And I run around less than many mothers and families I know.
I must. make. time. A Human Development major in college, I really enjoy personality tests to understand myself and others better. One reveals that I am a contemplative. Another reveals that I deal with things according to how I feel about them; how they fit into my personal value system. But I’m so externally focused that it’s especially important for me to spend time alone. Otherwise I easily forget what that personal value system needs to be. And the Internet’s opened an unlimited arena of influence and community. Talk about an opportunity for unlimited distraction!
When you relax, do you feel guilty? How much time alone do you need? For those of you whose children are grown, please share your perspectives with those of us in the thick of family managing.
Entry Filed under: The Heart of Tea
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1. Stacey D | June 26th, 2008 at
Jenny - this so hits home with me right now! The only time alone I get is now, after 9:30pm when hubby & son are asleep. And I know I will feel guilty about being on the computer or doing some “decompressing” when I have bills piled up, ours and my mother’s, who I am now power of atty for - dishes in the drain board that need to be put away - a bathroom that really could use a cleaning - throw in the 9-5 job, my tea party business - and making time to see my mom, who is bedridden, parlayzed, unable to speak more than a few words after a horrific brain anuerysm last year (but she has cognitive function, knows us - has most of her memory - total miracle according to the doctors…) and Church on Sundays. Most days I can barely catch my breath. I would love to hear how other ladies are finding balance in their lives. I’m grateful that God forgives my shortcomings as I try to juggle it all - now if only I can forgive myself for falling short on so many tasks…..
2. Heidi | June 27th, 2008 at
This is a fabulous reminder. There are some times when things are out of our control, but so often we choose to be busy.
I nearly never feel guilty about relaxing unless my doing so makes someone else’s life harder.
however, I’m not sure if I do it enough or not.
3. Nicky W | June 28th, 2008 at
I am constantly reflecting on that notion of balance. I loved the way we were reminded about having ‘quiet time’ away from the pace of the world to realign our life choices with core values and beliefs. We need enough time to stop (and often breathe!) and think about that match, but not so much as to be taken away from living them out. I’m finding as increasing need to be wise about what I commit myself and our family to as time goes on - to recognise my finite-ness, God’s graciousness and save my yes for what’s the best use of my time, skills and energy!
4. Francie | June 30th, 2008 at
Your children will be grown and gone before you know it…you will wonder how it happened so quickly even though it doesn’t seem possible that they will EVER leave now. Spend as much time with them as you can, get to know them as people and let them get to know you. Spend time with your Sweetie and enjoy being together. “Stuff” will always be there even after you are gone but the memories you make with your family will last their lifetimes and beyond. Time for yourself, you MUST make it…let something else go.He doesn’t care a thing about our stuff or what the world thinks about us or what titles or awards we get or what magazines we are in…only how we treasured our relationships and how we treated others…that’s what will matter when all is said and done.
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5. Deb | July 8th, 2008 at
I am a homeschooling mother of 4, but they are mostly all grown and on their own now, so I just have two at home. He’s homeschooling still, but taking classes at the community college. I am really just the facilitator at this point.
When my kids were younger, I made the rule of one kid, one sport, one season. I know people thought I was cruel not to let them participate in as many sports as they would like, but I knew my limits, and I did not see how shuffling everyone’s schedule around, missing meals together, and organizing our weekends around sports, was how I wanted to live. It worked for me, but I realize not everyone shares my feelings. Now that the kids are grown, they don’t ever say they wish they had done more sports. What they remember is what we did as a family. We went sailing, a lot, when they were younger. Some still carry that love forward. We also took trips together, though often of a very short nature. A lot of time we just hung out or worked on the house. All of them have a can-do attitude that I didn’t even realize we were instilling at the time.
While this is rather a sad note, I want to stress that it had it’s positive attributes. When the oldest was 14, the youngest was 7, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. Homeschooling let us fit our schedule to his treatments and the times he felt well enough to do stuff. But the biggest change in our lives was that it FORCED us to reevaluate all the outside things we were involved in and discard all but those that meant the most to us. We suddenly had a reason to say no…and it was much easier to do so. No guilt involved, and everyone seemed to understand. In some ways, that was the best thing about his diagnosis. We came together even more tightly as a family…and that still holds to this day, five years after he died. I am ever so grateful for the time we had, but also for what cancer did for us…it showed us exactly how important we all were to each other, and just how to really live life one day at a time.
I hope this helps someone take a hard look at all their outside commitments and choose only those that you TRULY want to do.
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