34 Comments Add your own

• 1. Kellyn  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  Lack of RSVP’s really drives me nuts too! My hubby’s family ALWAYS does this and I hate it. When you are trying to plan, you need to know. I got to the point with them that I put on their invites only, “If you don’t RSVP, don’t come”. It works…
  I always bring a hostess gift, especially if I am going there for the first time. It shows respect, courtsey and caring.

• 2. Ewokgirl  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  I’ll bite. We were invited to a party a few weeks ago, and I forgot to RSVP. In my defense, though, our entire house was torn up due to major repairs, and everything was topsy-turvy. I distractedly read my mail, then misplaced it. The party had come and gone by the time I remembered it, and I apologized profusely to the hostess!

  Honestly, I think the problem these days with most people is busyness. Look at any average family, and they’re all crazy-busy with activities and jobs and whatnot. I think people often don’t know ahead of time what they’re going to be doing, and for whatever reason, they’re not willing to commit to anything in advance. At least, that’s what I assume is going on with people these days.

  Some of it is probably also that the social graces just aren’t being reinforced. I rarely receive thank-you notes from anyone these days, which admittedly bothers me.

  As for hostess gifts, I think that just depends on how a person is raised. Not all circles do hostess gifts, and others have always done them. Personally, I don’t really like them. I don’t need or necessarily want any little trinkets from anyone; I just want their company.

• 3. Julie  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  I will admit that I don’t always RSVP and it’s usually because of convenience - especially if it’s someone I don’t really know (like a birthday party for a student in your child’s class). However, if there is an e-mail address and I can just email the person I always RSVP. I find I get more RSVPs that way as well.

  I’ve also seen people do “RSVP regrets only”.

  I think the hostess gift thing is maybe an under-40 thing? We had a big Christmas Open House a few years ago for about 75 people. Probably 3 or 4 people brought little gifts and I was surprised. It was nice but I wasn’t expecting it.

  I do however ALWAYS send a thank you note. My mama taught me that much.

• 4. Overwhelmed With Joy!  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  Let’s see. I do my best to RSVP when asked because so many don’t do that for me and I know how frustrating it is.

  I’m planning a Soup Exchange the 1st Saturday in Nov. I sent out 15 invites 3 weeks ago, specifically stressing the importance of an RSVP, and I’ve only heard back from 3 so far (all attending). Since I haven’t heard from the others, I’ll have to take the time to email or call them individually to try to get their answer.

  As for the hostess gift, it depends on the situation. If it’s a work-related function, I’ll more often than not bring a nice bottle of wine as a gift.

  If it’s our group of close friends, we usually do potluck and so we ask, “Can I bring something?” to try to help contribute. If they say “No thanks” I usually still try to surprise them with a sweet treat or something.

  Not sure that my response helped much.

• 5. Wendylicious  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  Being raised in the South, I ALWAYS RSVP and I never walk into someone’s house without a hostess gift. Even though my mother is 4 states away, I think she would somehow sense it and drive 26 hours to come and spank my 38 year old tushie! LOL!

  If I don’t know anything personal about the hostess, tea towels are a perfect gift. You can never have enough tea towels.

• 6. JCK  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  Hi Tea Lady,

  I’m not sure I have any answers for you, but I have this discussion - often. It seems we have a whole generation of people who don’t know what R.S.V.P really means. I’ve started doing Regrets Only on invitations, which helps… a bit. Maybe.

  I don’t think it is an under 40 thing, as I’m …deep breath…46 and I still see it. Maybe a tendency in California, but it happened in Georgia, too. Frankly, it bespeaks of bad manners at any age. I think it says more about our society at large. We’re moving too fast, looking at the next thing while thinking of what we’re going to do tomorrow and not stepping back and taking the time for a lovely sip of tea… thanks for your questions!

  One more thing…74 invites! Yikes! You GO girl!

• 7. Krista  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  Personally I always RSVP and if I didn’t then I feel HORRIBLE about it! I know it’s a royal pain trying to plan anything (wedding reception?) when you don’t know how many are coming. I wish there was some way to say, if you don’t RSVP by X date then you are uninvited. But that might be rude… and I suppose there really are people who don’t know until the last minute, but then you’d think they could still call…
  As for hostess gifts… what kind of atmosphere are you talking about? A simple dinner invite? An extended stay? In my circle of friends we all kind of take turns hosting dinners so bringing a gift would be rather weird I think. As an extended stay guest (like overnight) I think that would be appropriate. although now I feel guilty because we have some friends that we stay with and I’ve never even thought to bring them a gift…

• 8. Amy @ Experience Imagination  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  I almost always RSVP, so I can’t help you there. I do tend to think that in most cases, those who don’t RSVP aren’t planning to come.

  As for the potluck idea, I do usually ask if I can bring something. I think, in our circle of friends, it’s a “verging on poverty” thing. If the host(ess) really wants to do it all, I have no problem just hearing “nothing, thanks” when I ask.

  Hostess gifts. Hmmm … it’s been a while since I’ve been to any REAL dinner parties (as opposed to a bunch of us gathering for a planned potluck meal), but I would say I generally feel that if I’m bringing food, I don’t feel obliged to bring a gift or card specifically as a thank you. Depending on my relationship with the host(s), I may send a thank you note afterwards. I do feel a little funny showing up completely empty handed, however, so if I’m not asked to bring something, I am much more likely to make or buy a small gift to bring.

• 9. Marcia - organising blog  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  Hi

  I’m 33 and I always RSVP. Hostess gifts are not a “thing to do” in South Africa. However, if people ask, “can I bring something?” the hostess usually says, “bring a drink”.

  There are the odd people (and I’m one of them) who love giving gifts. I have friends who always bring me flowers when they come over for supper.

  I like making bath salts so I often take some with me for the hostess.

  Hope this helped!

• 10. Heather  |  October 2nd, 2007 at

  This kind of proper ettiquette is not taught any more. Unless you want to make it a personal mission to provide ettiquette training, this is something you’ll have to be prepared for. First, make a list of things that people bring if and when you are asked, “What can we bring?” Second, you don’t have to track everyone down to get the head count. That’s their responsibililty whether they like it or not. Just be prepared for 10-20% more attendance than the number of people who RSVP’ed.

  Almost everyone has good intentions, but life is sometimes to chaotic to remember to actually RSVP.

• 11. carrie  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  It drives me crazy when people don’t RSVP, but I don’t think that not RSVPing can be attributed to a certain group.

  My mom raised my sister and I to write thank you notes for everything. If we’re going to dinner at someone’s house, and they don’t want us to bring food, I like to bring flowers or a candle.

• 12. VerrySherry  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I always RSVP. The odd time an invite will go forgotten, but rarely!
  However, when I send invites, I’ve learned to assume no one will RSVP, but all might show…had to lower my expectation or I would only fester about nothing.
  I also don’t understand the need to insist on bringing a dish…this is my gig!…I’m doing the cooking, menu, etc.,
  And yes, wouldn’t a lovely hello gift or thank you card be so wonderful!!! and easily in place of a potluck dish?
  I’m so on the same page as you!

• 13. ashley @ twentysixcats  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I had this same problem with my wedding. I had to hound and hound people to find out if they were coming or not. And I live in the southeast! So it’s not just a California thing. I think most of the time people don’t RSVP if they’re not coming. Or, they somehow expected you to know whether they were coming or not. I know I tend to procrastinate RSVPing if it involves me calling someone I don’t know. I’m REALLY shy on the phone. If I’m given other avenues to RSVP then I’ll take those.

  To be honest, I’ve never thought about bringing a hostess gift. I can see how it’s a nice gesture, but I was never taught to do that growing up and I don’t see it done when having people over to my place.

• 14. Steph W  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  This is a very good question! I often wonder about the opposite, as well…when people RSVP (and so we prepare for them), then don’t show up and never call to give regrets or anything.

  Unfortunately, I cannot shed any light on these mysteries, but I am hoping other readers can!

• 15. miss janice  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  You know I have to respond to this! First let me say that my Mother taught to me to never arrive at someone’s home without a gift; i.e., pie, cookies, flowers, whatever…I asked my Mother years ago why she took stuff to people every time we visited and she said “It’s just the way I was brought up.” If I attend a dinner/party/appetizers–whatever, at someone’s home, I take a gift (”thanks for inviting me”) and the next morning I send a thank-you note (”thanks for the evening/meal, etc.). Good luck with the Rsvp’s!!! That is one of the biggest etiquette mistakes that people make. It is simply rude NOT to Rsvp! If someone is kind enough to invite you to an event, take the time to Rsvp. It’s pathetic that you have to pick up the phone and ASK them if they will be attending. I entertain a lot and I end up having to call people all the time. Not Rsvp-ing is a sure way to get OFF my party list!:)
  Miss Janice

• 16. Trixie  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  Not RSVP’ing is very common today, judging from my personal experience. Sigh. I feel for you.

  I take a no-response as a “No, I won’t be there” response and plan accordingly. There have been events that I have hosted, business and personal where it became very expensive to plan on all those no responses being yes’es.

  On the other hand, it has also been rather embarrasing when I’ve ran short of food and materials when I wrongly assumed almost all of the no responses were indeed, no. In spite of these few occassions, I still plan on the exact # of “Yes” RSVP’s because often the number of guests that show up without a rspv make up for those that rsvp “yes” that end up not coming.

  Take Care,

  Trixie

• 17. SAHMmy Says  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  It’s not a California thing! Yeah, we’re casual, but–at least in my circle–our Mamas raised us right! I wouldn’t dream of NOT RSVP-ing if the invitation requests a reply. If you don’t reply to my invitation, I will leave you umpteen messages until I find out if you’re coming I also would not attend an event without asking the host what I could do to help or what I could bring. I don’t expect hostess gifts, but I do love getting them, and ALWAYS give one! Even if it’s as tried-and-true as a bottle of wine, anything that shows you appreciate the effort your host made to welcome you into their home is great!

• 18. Megan  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I wish I had an answer for you. I know sometimes I just forget to RSVP, I get caught up in life or lose the darn invitation. Many times I have finally cleaned the counter and found an invitation to a party that happened a week ago. I would love to say that this is what happens with everyone, but I know that some people are just rude. They don’t see a need to call and say they aren’t coming, or that they are. You should just “know” what they are doing, and if you don’t, oh well.

  The gift/thank you thing is a bit trickier. I know that I like to send a thank you the next day or so, but I don’t usually bring a gift. I think I am more afraid of brining something that the host/hostess won’t like or won’t use, so I don’t bring anything. But at times it does feel strange. And most of of the time our parties are cook out potluck type get togethers, and we just bring a food item.

  This post isn’t much help I know, but thanks for inviting me to respond!

• 19. Mandy Houk  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  Having been raised in the south by southern parents, I always RSVP. I think the trick is to RSVP as soon as you get the invitation, so it’s not one more thing on my list of to-do’s that can get forgotten.

  I do think it is more common in California (having lived in GA, SC, PA, CA, and CO, I found it to be worse there). But I also believe it’s getting more common everywhere. People are more willing to use busy-ness as an excuse, rather than take personal responsibility for being courteous!

  Okay, stepping off the soapbox and taking a deep breath …

  The best remedy I’ve found for this problem is to use Evites. It’s a free email service that sends email invitations (with lots of cute customizable options). You as the hostess get notified with each response, and every guest is reminded of the event a few days before it happens. I still don’t get 100% response, but it’s better.

• 20. LEAH  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  OK, I AM OLD(50) I WAS RAISED THAT YOU ALWAYS RSVP, TAKE A HOSTESS GIFT, AND SEND A THANK YOU NOTE. MY MOTHER WOULD KILL ME IF SHE THOUGHT I WASN’T.

• 21. Katmaxx  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  My sister-in-law has had good luck using evites.
  She emails people the link to her party invitation and the site gives them a click box for attending or not. She seems to get a response from almost everyone but this would necesitate having everyone’s email address.

• 22. TracyMichele  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I JUST cancelled a party I was hosting tonight because NO ONE RSVP’D! Honestly, I don’t care if people were going to attend and simply forgot to RSVP. I could not plan an evening not knowing if anyone was showing up. I flat out cancelled. Maybe that will teach some people to RSVP (sorry.. wounds still fresh. LOL).

  Hostess gift: I like to bring one but instead of a food item which might make the hostess feel like she has to serve it with her prepared menu, I like to bring some flowers or a bottle of wine they can enjoy later. And yes.. YES.. on sending a thank you note.

• 23. chilihead  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I always RSVP. Always. Of course, that’s not always the case in return, though. What about putting ‘Regrets only’ instead of ‘RSVP’?

  As for hostess gifts, I like to take a little something for the hostess, but I never expect a gift when I host. It’s a nice surprise when it happens.

  If I’m hosting a party, I like to have a little ‘Thanks for coming!’ gift too. This weekend we’re having some families over and I’ve made Halloween boxes of treats for each family. Nothing big, just something fun for them to take home with them.

• 24. Eileen  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  The way I have dealt with this problem is by a reasonable time (when I need to know) I now telephone everyone who has not responded, and ASK them if they received the invitation, and if they are coming. Then they will tell me and I don’t have to wonder. The few who aren’t sure, I tell them I really need to have a decision now (or give them 24 hours to make up their mind). If they don’t respond, I call them again. At least I don’t have to be left in the dark.

  Eileen

• 25. Dawn  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I always RSVP. In fact, once I went to a baby shower and the hostess actually said out loud that she didn’t know how much food to make because only one person had RSVP’d and pointed to me. It was kind of embarrasing but she got her point across to the rest of the people there. People never RSVP when we have a party. We really only have birthday parties for our kids, but it really drives me nuts. Of course, I know if the people in my family are coming, but my husband’s family never lets us know, so now I make him call his family and ask them so we know how much food to make.

  As far as the hostess gifts, I guess we’re not sophisticated enough to be invited to parties that I feel it would be appropriate. When we’re just around our friends I know none of them probably even know what that is. We’ve been invited to spend the night with some friends of my husband’s parents in another town and we brought homemade beer and wine and gave it to them. We are usually invited to a nice New Year’s Eve party and we bring wine. Other than that, we don’t give or receive hostess gifts.

  It drives me nuts when we’re having a party and people ask what to bring and I tell them nothing and they bring something anyway, besides whatever they want to drink if it’s something we might not have. Usually I have my food planned out and I don’t want extra food, especially when it is mediocre at best. My husband’s grandma always does this. Even to the kids’ birthday parties she’ll stop and get ice cream, even though we have plenty. It drives me nuts.

  Okay, I just realized most of my complaints are about my husband’s family, so I’ll quit now.

• 26. Jamie  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I’ve been told that many people think “RSVP” means to let the host know if you *are* coming, rather than what it really means, which, abreviated, means “respond, please” (whether you’re attending or not). Needless to say, I always correct people who tell me this, and try to impress upon them the importance of taking 2 seconds to call, email or send back a response whether you plan to attend or not. It’s a lot of work to plan even a small get-together, and the host needs to know how many to expect to complete those plans.

  Personally, I think being busy is just an excuse. Someone took a lot of time out of *thier* busy schedule to invite people to thier home. Not giving that invitation enough priority to respond immediately regardless of how busy “life” is is just plain rude, and says to me that the invitation is not respected or appreciated by those who receive it. If it were important to the recipient, it would get the attention it deserves, and not get lost in the “shuffle”.

  For our annual Halloween party this year, I included pre-addressed, pre-stamped postcards in with the invitations, and expect to start getting them back soon (people received the invites yesterday). I find that pre-stamping them makes it hard for people to ignore it, since they hate wasting a stamp *I* had to pay for.

  Needless to say, I always respond to an invitation the day I get it with either a note, email, or message left on someone’s answering machine. Generally I can tell by the tone of the invitation what kind of gathering it is, and I offer to bring something if I think it’s appropriate.

  As for hostess gifts, around here, the standard is a bottle of wine (or a pack of beer for the guys), and we generally hold to that standard as well…it’s something most everyone appreciates, and it can be put away for later (or to be passed on again) without taking up much space.

  Thank you notes for events are not something I was ever brought up with, nor have I ever received one - but thanks are always given profusely at the end of an evening no matter where we go or who we have over, so it doesn’t seem necessary.

• 27. Amy  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I am with you about the RSVP dilemma-it just drives me CRAZY. And I know that everyone is busy, but can that be the excuse for everyone??

  I am not a southerner by any stretch of the imagination, but I never go to someone’s home where we have been invited without a small token of appreciation. It can be something as simple as some kitschy magnets or a bundle of note cards, or a small gift card for a cup of coffee with a note. Other times we have brought a bottle of our favorite olive oil with a nice bow-nothing fancy.

  My thought is that if they have taken the time to have us over, I can offer a gesture of thanks. And, like so many others, I ALWAYS write thank you notes, for fear of my mother finding out that I didn’t!

• 28. Amanda  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  You and many others may not like my response, but honesty is always the best policy ~ right?

  I’ve hosted events for Mother’s Night Out, Sunday School groups, etc. etc. I’ve learned (and it’s hard) to only buy for the actual number who RSVPed they are coming plus 4-5. What happens when others come? Well, maybe they will get the idea????

  It’s a waste of money and time to not know who all is coming and when you send out an invitation with an RSVP always call about 10 days before the event to make sure some didn’t get lost in the mail. Just let them know that you need a number because you don’t want to buy food or whatever for it to be wasted.

  Hostess gifts? Hmmm… I don’t know about this one. If someone I barely know invites me to dinner or whatever, I usually try to get some sort of small trinket for them. But if I KNOW you well and have been to your home several occasions, buying a hostess gift each time seems a little silly.

• 29. Lara  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I find it difficult to respond to invitations to parties that I don’t want to attend. It is always awkward to call and say I’m not coming. Do I make up an excuse which the hostess kinda expects or be cool and offer no excuse at all. Seriously the third invitation to a bridal shower for the same bride probably isn’t going to be at the top of my priority list. And group invitations, those where everyone in a group is invited whether the hostess knows each person personally or not, where it is kind of an obligation, I sometimes don’t bother to rsvp either. Is your mother’s party in that category?

• 30. Mrs. Brownstone @ XBOX Wife  |  October 3rd, 2007 at

  I always RSVP. To solve the problem with my own parties, I put the following on the invitation:

  “RSVP, regrets only”

  OR…

  “RSVP, yes or no”

  I’m not sure if it is proper etiquette to do this or not, but it has always worked well for me. I figure that it’s ok to put this (even if it might be improper etiquette) because it can’t be any worse than not RSVPing to a party, and that’s what usually happens if I just write “RSVP” on the invitation!

  Hope this helps!
  Mrs. Brownstone @ XBOX Wife
  http://xboxwife.blogspot.com/

• 31. Jamie  |  October 4th, 2007 at

  I thought I’d post this in case Lara checked back to see if anyone answered her question.

  My way of responding to invitations I don’t want to attend is always to offer no excuse. I simply say I won’t be able to make it, and wish them a good time at thier party. If they press for a reason, I tell them that I have something else planned - which is completely true, since I plan *not* to attend the party. If you have trouble doing this over the phone, either call when you know they’re not home and leave a message, or write a note (you know, on all those pretty note cards we get as gifts and rarely use)! No one can argue with you in the mail (not without considerable trouble on thier part), and your obligation to RSVP has been fulfulled.

• 32. Shannon  |  October 14th, 2007 at

  My daughter is turning 5 in two weeks. Up until this birthday we’ve always had family only parties. This time, I decided to have a destination party for her and friends from her preschool. The destination is expensive, and she’s allowed to have 19 guest for the inclusive cost, each extra kid is $10. Well she has about 42 kids in her class and I couldn’t invite all of them. So I invited 28 kids (thinking that’s a good chance I’d end up with less than 19) and sent out invites 6 weeks in advance. I chose to put Regrets Only, thinking that would be easier, but now we are 2 weeks from the date and i’ve had 5 people call and say that they ARE coming. And no one has called or emailed that they are not. So I’m now thinking, do I invite more of the kids, the 14 that I didn’t invite? Because I really have no idea at this point who is coming and who is not coming and I do not have any phone numbers to call and ask. I’ve considered sending “reminders”. Would that be considered rude? Since i did say regrets only and now i’m asking them to let me know if it’s a yes or no? Not sure what to do.

• 33. Colleen  |  October 14th, 2007 at

  I made my own personal invitations to a nice Halloween Party, that I am giving for close friends. Just two RSVPs back. One is not coming, due to plans made ahead, and one is coming. I am still planning on my party, but I am afraid that I will be disappointed on the turnout. I think that people are just too invovled into their own lives, that they forget to let you know. Or they will decide at the last minute if they want to come or not. Yes, it is wrong that no one hardly has the courteous to tell you anymore. It does hurt your feelings also.

• 34. Shery  |  October 15th, 2007 at

  What do you think of sending an invitation to someone to rsvp, and then they ask if they can bring a friend, or their mother? It has put me an awkward position to decline their request. I plan carefully for activities, games, prizes, drinks, etc. and I make each guest their first drink, if everyone brought a friend, it would seem it would be all work and no play at your own party! Plus, I only have so much room. I am afraid if I say yes to one, the next time, others would bring their own guest. Am I being too stuffy about all this? I just don’t think it is proper to ask that of a hostess? Am I right?

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