Why I Will Train My Daughter to Hire Servants
I recently asked you all to help me answer a question. At this time of writing, I have received eighteen responses. Fifteen of you answered, in one form or the other, “Cleaning!”.
I grew up being told my schooling was my job. Now, as a mother, a homeschooling mother, I do not repeat this to my children, because it is not the full picture. Instead, my boys AND my girl are told the following:
- You will most likely be paid more someday for the skills of your mind than your body.
- If you don’t want to do your schoolwork, you may have a taste of physical labor instead. Go stack the wood and THEN you may come back and hand-copy the history lesson you’re disrupting. Decide which one you like better.
- Only girls do not take care of a home. But the majority of it will most likely fall on her someday. How will she prepare? (And, dear God, may my sons understand and empathize with some of the pressures their future wives will face.)
I think it falls on girls for two main reasons. One, we are the physical nurturers of children and we are most likely the gender to stay with them when they are the most needy. This takes us out of the traditional work force, unlike the men. And even when the children return to traditional school-age, attend school away from home, and Mom returns to work, there is still a household to run. And most often, the women keep on running it, they just add income-producing work to it.
So, the question becomes, how will I train my daughter to someday run a household? What role will her education play? Will we skip statistics for sewing? Will I take the route of some and not value her education the same as her brothers? Absolutely not. But as I watch her play with her babies, tell me she wants four children, and when she grows up she wants to be a mother, I will prepare her as well for the tremendous work running a household requires.
And I will tell her she will need to hire servants.
I absolutely believe this. The American lifestyle leaves each woman on her own. We do not live in small villages or large families where the bearer and nurser of children is not also responsible for shopping for and preparing the meals, taking care of the siblings, and tackling the laundry. Running a home well and nurturing a family is a full-time job. And many of us these days are choosing to educate the children on top of these responsibilities as well. And so many women I speak with, online or in real life, don’t even consider getting help. If they do, it is most likely immediately dismissed. “Oh, I can’t afford it,” which is most likely true.
Therefore, I will teach my daughter to understand that if she cannot afford help, the work will fall to her. And I will encourage her to plan her life so she and/or her husband can. Unless this is work she will want to do for decades, she will need to hire help. This is a more likely scenario than counting on the help of friends or family, unless our society radically changes in a generation. And for those of you who think I should help her, I will. Now, as I continue to help her and I towards being the lady of the manor instead of the maid of the manor.
Thoughts? I know you have them! I think some of you would be surprised how controversial this topic is among some of my circles.
Entry Filed under: The Wellspring
Print This Post
26 Comments Add your own
1. Cadence | February 19th, 2008 at
I supposed that, as a college student with no house, no husband, and no children, I really have no place to talk. However, it always seemed to me that housework is like homework: there’s no way to get everything done, so prioritize, do what you can, and be happy with it.
Or just put the kids to work… I’ve been doing dishes and cleaning bathrooms since I don’t even remember. My mom said that a well-rounded person had a good education and knew how to run a household, no matter what their gender. Thus, my brothers can cook, and I know how to run the lawnmower.
Somehow my mother managed to homeschool all of us (three total), cook complete homemade dinners, keep the house clean, and all the other eight zillion things moms do. Honestly, I still don’t know how she did it.
2. Kendralee | February 20th, 2008 at
HIRED HELP! Sounds beautiful! I don’t have many extra finances, but resources, now THAT I DO! We hire a babysitter every two weeks so that the older kids and I can get out. As well, my mother in law lives on our property and she helps in many incredible ways.
But having seven children and a husband who is gone working late often, as well as not ENOUGH hired help, there are some serious things for me to consider. 1) Am I happy being the homemaker of the house? If I am content, then the rest goes so much better. 2) Am I using my resources? Are my children part of the team? Do I utilize their abilities with cleaning, teaching, nurturing, etc?
That being said, I have a huge job for my daughters. I think it is critical that they have close relationships with their fathers. Ultimate respect and obedience. Why? Because some day they will be married and will need to respect and love their husbands in many self sacrificing ways. (if they want a good marriage) As well, have I trained them up to know how to cook, clean, be organized, and lovely all at the same time? And how in the world do I do that? BY EXAMPLE. They see me every day. Am I proud of my home and maintaining it? Am I a jewel on my husband’s arm when we go out? Am I organized?
It’s a tall order. We have our work cut out for our boys too. In an entirely different way.
I get sick of all the women out there saying we are equal. Women and men are ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. Look at your bodies to start with. Look at your strength. I am in good shape. I am not hardly overweight. I can have a baby in three pushes. However, I will never be as strong as my husband. You have to marvel at how he moves a rock on our property, muscles bulging. Or how he can do push-ups with clapping in betweeen. I mean, really, his physical body is far more capable than mine, even though he is slightly overweight.
We have spent so much time in America feminizing our men and making our women think they can be men. Gross! I have breasts for a reason. Just as the man does NOT. I love the idea of my daughter wanting to be married and have children some day. Right now, at 13 she could run a household better than most working women I know out there. That may sound presumptuous and unfair, but it is true. Her heart is turned toward her family, and not toward a world of harried commute, competitive drive, insufficient wages, sexual harrassment.
“Return of the Daughters” is an incredible testimonial DVD. It will challenge the most conservative and the most liberal. Some will be disgusted, some will think it impossible, but all will have to examine their own hearts and motives in regard to their children. We are living in super incredible times. What kind of stand will we take for our children?
3. Kendralee | February 20th, 2008 at
My husband has a comment!
“This goes one step further. Even if you are liberal and want your daughter to have a big career….she will always be serving someone. It will be her boss or her clients. She will never get out of the box of servanthood. So you better train her up!” Gotta just love my man!
4. Cadence | February 20th, 2008 at
Kendralee, I agree completely! This isn’t true of all women, but I know I am much happier cooking and cleaning than when I am working or writing huge term papers. (And that’s saying a lot, because I truly love my schoolwork.) It does sort of give my academic advisors fits though, to see my intellegence and education “wasted” because I want to get married and have kids. Personally, I think all the work of a wife and mother is at least ten times harder than any job, except maybe brain surgery.
5. Cecile | February 20th, 2008 at
I would recommend a book as food for thought on this. Called “So Much More” by Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin.
I don’t know what your religious beliefs are but God did not create women to help provide an income for the family. She is supposed to be a keeper at home. If we had all been trained in this truth our world would be greatly different and women would be more content.
Don’t mean to offend, just stating a truth.
6. Tea Party Girl | February 20th, 2008 at
Just wanted to pop in here and say thanks for the comments so far. I’m hoping for more before I respond. No worries about offending, I look forward to hearing from more of you!
7. Kim | February 20th, 2008 at
I don’t have a daughter, but I am one. I can run a household and I work outside it. I would love to be able to hire servants, but I tried and had too much damage. The older days of servants as family members is long gone, and I don’t like the service workers who work for the big companies. So, I work less outside the home so I have more time inside it. Yes, our income is less, but we are better off in many ways. I’d still love servants - like Evangeline in Nanny McPhee - but I’ll be content with what I have. Oh, and my son knows how to fold clothes, load and unload the dishwasher, make blueberry muffins from scratch and set a real table. His education has just begun!
8. Brenda | February 20th, 2008 at
What’s that saying? If you want something done right, do it yourself. Help is not help if they don’t do it from the heart, with care and pride. It creates more work for the worker-bee. That’s me! I work outside the house (MANUAL labor) and keep inside the house exceptional well. Do I complain? Yes, Does it help? No. Priortize your life and live it.
9. cyn | February 20th, 2008 at
I enjoyed reading your post. Gave me some great things to think about. Thanks for sharing. I am looking forward to exploring your blog some time soon.
10. Ann | February 20th, 2008 at
My housecleaner is worth every penny…and so is training my daughter to know how to clean, so she can decide if she wants to do it or if she wants to hire someone
11. Nikki | February 20th, 2008 at
Wow. That is definitely something to think about. I enjoyed reading all the comments as well.
12. Jamie | February 21st, 2008 at
With no offense intended to anyone posting here…
I could afford to hire help, if I wanted to. The fact is, even though I complain occasionally, I’d rather take pride in taking care of our home myself, rather than paying someone else to take over what is ultimately *my* responsibility.
I also think it’s sort of “elitist” to not want to take care of your own messes and housecleaning…like saying you’re “too good” to do menial labor. I’m pretty sure if I had kids, I would not want them to grow up with that kind of attitude, and I definately don’t want to develop it myself. I’m not saying either way is right or wrong, it’s just my opinion.
Why do I complain about housekeeping? Because I’m lazy. And that’s not an admirable trait, so every time I force myself to get busy and “just do it”, I feel better about myself, more responsible for myself, and I’ve overcome a serious shortcoming of mine.
If/when there comes a point in time that I physically can’t do the work anymore, then I’ll hire someone to come in. Until then, it’s my responsibility, and I won’t shirk that off on someone else.
13. Tea Party Girl | February 21st, 2008 at
Thanks, Jamie.
Just to clarify in case there’s a misunderstanding for anyone. This article didn’t say I didn’t WANT to do menial labor or take care of my own messes or that I wouldn’t teach my daughter to do it. I just want to give her the full picture of what it WILL require of her if she chooses the route I did, and what her options could be if she prepares so she doesn’t HAVE to do it all by herself.
Women/mothers need help. Americans think they can do it all by themselves. I’m not necessarily speaking to women who are not raising/educating young children.
My parents hired a house cleaner for me for a full year when I was pregnant/nursing with my third child and parenting two (young!) sons. I will never forget the relief/help it offered.
14. Teapriestess D | February 21st, 2008 at
Being a military wife adds the strange dynamic of being a “part-time single mom” responsible for ever aspect of a family life for whatever legnth of time the husband was gone. I know since being back in the US, I have felt more alone than the entire 5 years I spent in Europe. Obviously because we were a few Americans in a foriegn country, it was easy for us to cooperate more like a village. It was nothing for us to pitch in and help out other wives/mothers while their husbands were deployed. Personally, I think there are times when we need to hire help with the day to day household running….definately after childbirth. My mother was able to be with me after the birth of my first child. It was such a blessed relief to know that there was food in the fridge and clean clothes in the drawers. I will do the same for my daughter.
15. Ann | February 21st, 2008 at
Just for the record: our cleaning person comes once in every two to three weeks. We still have to pick up clutter, vacuum, do dishes and a lot of other stuff between her visits, but I’d rather spend my precious family time *with* my family than cleaning. Believe me, my kids know about cleaning up their room–else the cleaning lady may put their toys somewhere they’d never find them!
16. Maggie | February 22nd, 2008 at
Yes, training your daughter how to keep the household and instilling in her that it is ok to hire help is a wonderful thing. As is making sure your boys understand the basics of household maintenance and how much work goes into it. I am fortunate that I have a husband who understands and values both my work outside the home and the work it takes to maintain the home. And yes, even when I was the main income earner in the family, I did the grocery shopping, meal planning and bathroom cleaning. My husband does a lot of laundry, floor cleaning and cleaning up after meals.
My brother jokes about the “Laundry fairy” at his house who picks up his dirty clothes and returns them to his drawer clean and folded, but he knows the amount of work my SIL does and appreciates it.
17. babs m | February 25th, 2008 at
I’m with Ann. Working outside the home and raising kids with special needs, my time can be better spent tending to personal goals than sweeping floors. My boys and girls have always had chores cleaning around the house, but twice a month we have outside help for a special treat so we can do something special together that weekend!
18. andrea | February 26th, 2008 at
This is a good post. I work from home and homeschool and hired someone to help clean because no one (the kids nor myself) were getting any work done. Now if the house is a bit messy we know that someone will come soon and get back to work.
I am raising my kids to work for no one unless they are gaining work experience. I don’t want them slaving for anyone for any reason. Instead of teaching them to clean, I am teaching them the basics of starting and running a business.
19. carr | February 27th, 2008 at
We have someone who comes in to clean twice a month. It is such a blessing. We still have lots to do(like picking up so she can actually clean) but she takes care of floors and bathrooms and that sure is nice. It frees me up to spend more time with my kids. We forgo things like cable tv in order to budget for this and its worth every penny.———
20. Crimson Wife | February 27th, 2008 at
I’m a bit uncomfortable with the racial/class dynamics of hiring a housecleaner. What kind of message does it send to our children when the affluent white & Asian women work as white collar professionals while their “dirty work” is being done by poor Latinas?
At 4 1/2 years old my DD made up a story about “cleaning fairies” whom she described as having brown hair, brown eyes, & brown skin. That really disturbed me…
21. Elise | February 29th, 2008 at
I can think of 3 different cases of young children talking back to their parents when asked to clean up after themselves with “that’s the maid’s job”.
I think there is a problem when we create an expectation that there are types of work and workers that are beneath us. It’s class-ist and elitist.
I’m appalled when I encounter grown, fully physically capable men and women who don’t know how to do the most basic things to take care of themselves and household - cooking, vacuuming, laundry, toilet cleaning. This “it’s someone else’s job” attitude is a ridiculous excuse for ignorance and laziness.
Now, hiring someone to help out when you are overwhelmed, physically incapacitated, or working long hours, is great if you can afford it. It just doesn’t take the place of knowing how and be willing to clean up after yourself.
22. Julia Rosien | March 2nd, 2008 at
Thanks for submitting a great article to the March 2008 Mom’s Blogging Carnival. You can see your story and all the others at:
http://www.gogirlfriend.com/reviews/moms-blogging-carnival-2-7760
23. angie | March 13th, 2008 at
You raise a very good point. It is impossible without help, and being lady of the manor is exactly what I strive for. Right now, I put my older children to work, and as they keep coming, I should have no shortage of older (or younger) children. My husband has been talking about hiring someone to clean forever though. ..
24. Shez | March 15th, 2008 at
Excellent post!!! I fully subscribe to your belief. I am educating my daughter to understand this and I am educating my son to understand that even if his future wife stays home to educate their children, that he should pay for her to have household help.
I grew up in a country where domestic help was cheap and plentiful. When my American husband and I married I told him that I had a few non-negotiable issues. I did not iron, I did not clean bathrooms and I expected to have a housekeeper at least once a week.
I was very lucky that his mother trained him to believe this was only right and proper.
My husband and I look at the opportunity costs of doing things and realize that it is cheaper for us to hire household help, gardening help, plumbers etc, than it is for us to do it ourselves.
I see my job as a homeschooling parent to give our children the education they need to allow them to earn at the levels where this will be true for them as well.
25. Shez | March 19th, 2008 at
I linked to this post from The Carnival of Cool Homeschoolers
Thanks for a thought provoking post
Shez
26. Debbie | March 22nd, 2008 at
I’m a homeschool mom whose kids are grown. Now that we have more disposable income, I’ve toyed with hiring a housekeeper, but so far haven’t taken the plunge.
This was a thought-provoking article, but I’m not sure why it’s controversial. Why do we hesitate to have people clean our homes? Why do we think it’s elitist, or demeaning to the workers? We don’t feel that way about being served in a restaurant, having someone else prepare our taxes, hiring someone to babysit or pet-sit, or paying someone to mow or shovel for us. I myself serve other people by doing work that they can’t or won’t do themselves, and I don’t feel a lesser person for it.
There is a prevailing attitude that cleaning and laundry are menial tasks, or “women’s” work. But if these tasks are left undone, they suddenly become important, if not critical! We should realize there is value in any task done well, and respect those who do an honest day’s work, whatever it is.
And don’t forget–the Proverbs 31 woman, she whose worth was “far above rubies,” had servants.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed